A Strange Day

For years I’ve been saying that I’d like to live on a farm one day. Not a huge farm and not one where I’d have to attempt to make a living as a farmer. Just a small farm somewhere in Baltimore County. I’d have some chickens and probably a few goats and maybe an alpaca or two. Lots of cats and a great big dog. Maybe a honey bee colony. I’d grow things I actually eat. A little patch of corn, tomato, carrot, potato… nothing on a grand scale.

But that’s “One Day”. Not now. Right now I live in a rowhouse in the city and I have a small back yard. The fig tree figs like mad every year, but that and a lot of mint are the only things I have that are really growing. Everything else dies. Partly because of the rats.

And this is where things get funny. I’d LIKE to live on a farm, so Mother Nature or the god of Irony or whatever has decided to send wildlife to my door. Cats I’m used to. My whole life stray cats have turned up at kitchen doors. Some of them ended up adopted into the family. Others just wandered off after a snack and a petting. So cats in the neighborhood aren’t a surprise.

Bees, on the other hand…

For about a week there was a honey bee that decided it really liked the back porch. Specifically one of the cat beds that was out there. The bee would get into the kitchen once in a while and hover around the kitchen lights. Once the lights were off it would just wander lazily back out onto the porch. If you shooed him off the porch (usually by carrying the cat bed out into the yard) he’d come back a little later. Then one day he didn’t come back. A dead bee was eventually found in the kitchen sink, so the working theory is that Bruce (like “Incredible Hulk” Bruce because he was a large bee and no one wanted to make him angry) drowned while… I don’t know. Taking a bath?

Before we could mourn the loss of the bee we realized that a family of birds had built a nest under the outside of the porch roof. I suppose that would be “the eaves” but it’s really not very eave-y at all. Anyhow, they built a nest and are raising a family there. The chicks have gone from the “peep loudly all the time” stage to the “making actual bird sounds when the parents bring food” already. They’ll be out of the nest before we know it. Sniffle. They do grow up so fast.

Meanwhile, we had a bustle in the hedgerow. Well. What it actually was, was a scuffle in a garbage can. A mouse had apparently fallen in and couldn’t get out. So I tipped him back into the yard and he ran off — right down the holes in our yard that the rats and mice (and possibly woodchucks) have dug. A few days later, when the Partner-in-Crime was hanging out laundry he felt like he was being watched. The mouse was checking him out. We are now gods in their beady little eyes! Gods!

“Cropwise” I’m doing just as well. There’s bittersweet vine all over the front of the house. It’s completely encased the rosebush (which is already blooming) and is attempting to open the front door. Maybe tomorrow I’ll take a picture of that. Its pretty creepy. The dusty millers are large and strong and I think they might already be budding. The boxwood shrub is massive. The grass is already too high and it was just cut about two weeks ago.

In the back yard, most of the dirt has been taken over by mint. The “teacup” rosebush is looming large. I’ve got this ground cover plant that’s living up to its name. And the fig tree that a friend took a chainsaw to (on purpose! He didn’t just show up and mow things down) is back bigger and stronger and figgy-er than ever. And again… the grass is already too high.

So I’ve decided that the farm idea is totally doable because I am apparently some sort of garden god.

Now who wants to give me a lot of money so I can buy a farm (not buy the farm, however).

The year is 2013. we have tiny little devices that can hold more than a week’s worth of music. There are speakers that are the size of baseballs that can produce sounds of fantastic quality. Prices for things like this are reasonable, and it’s often possible to find great deals online.

Why then are we still being subjected to ice cream trucks that play what I can only describe as “midi-bell versions of ‘Turkey in the Straw’?” I can understand the need to use music that’s public domain, but could we upgrade these things? Seriously, wouldn’t something like this be much better?

I know, right? That would totally make me look outside and see what was going on. It’d be quality enough that I might actually believe the ice cream truck wasn’t also selling drugs. And it wouldn’t have to be Turkey in the Straw, either. Unless there’s some kind of rule that says ice cream trucks have to play it.

For my 42nd birthday my mom bought me the Samsung Chromebook WiFi edition (There’s also a 3G version but I already have wifi in my house and just about everywhere else I go either through public nodes or my own ISP’s portable widget). It’s really pretty impressive. It’s a web tool. It’s great for videos, email, web stuff (Tumblr, Twitter, Ravelry), and all the Google-y stuff like Google Drive, Docs, Plus, etc. It almost makes me want to start writing again because I can’t be distracted by things like games.

See, the Chromebook won’t let you install downloaded games. It doesn’t know what to do with .EXE files. This is the kind of thing I need because otherwise I spend waaaa-hay too much time playing “time management” games from Shockwave. I did happen to get hold of a Solitaire game for the Chromebook though. Sometimes you just want to drive yourself to a state of hair-pulling agitation.

Anyhow, she bought me that, so I bought myself a Decal Girl skin that’ll make it look like a marble copy book. It’s funny because this thing is about the size of one. I used to hate the marble copy books but then I discovered they come in “college” rule instead of the standard wide rule and I was in love. I’m obsessed with them kind-of. I buy them when I can find ones with interesting covers. As long as they’re the narrow line, at least. And maybe the graph paper grid kind.

I also bought a copy of House of Leaves because I’ve never read it and it’s supposed to be a total mindscrew. Challenge accepted.

And then I bought myself some stuff from Lush and Black Phoenix Alchemy Labs. There’s some stuff for my mom in both those orders. It was purchased with the intention of them being her mother’s day presents, but I’ll probably give them to her early because we’re like that. And because as far as birthdays go, I didn’t actually do anything that day. She did the work and I just showed up, late and cranky, as usual.

1. My cat Rita takes Prozac. I have to give her each pill in a Pill Pocket. I cannot hear or say or read the words “Pill Pocket” without “singing” it in the style of the “Hot Pockets” jingle.
2. I cannot hear, say, or read “tiramisu” without “singing” the Winnie the Pooh song.

I forgot to update some stuff with my webhost. Ooops. As you can see, it’s all straightened out now. Regular post coming tomorrow. I was gonna write it tonight, but I’m tired. And Doctor who was on tonight and I’m all a-flutter.

A friend on Facebook asked about vegan baking, knowing that since I live with a vegan and I like baking, I might know a thing or two about it. I used to have some posts about it here, but deleted them in the cleanup. So let’s start over. Fresh. New. Hot out of the oven.

My go-to girls for vegan baking are Isa Chandra Moskowitz and Terry Hope Romero, of Post Punk Kitchen. Their book Vegan Cookies Invade Your Cookie Jar has been a huge help. The recipes in there range from the expected to the unusual. The Tahini Lime cookies are fantastic for people who don’t like a really sweet cookie. They’re sort of like peanut butter cookies, but the lime gives them an interesting kick. The citrus glitters are also insanely good (but the Tahini Lime are the big hit in this house). The book is easy to read and follow. The results are worth it. I’ve also had great luck with Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World, though I haven’t tried their frosting recipes yet.

That’s the interesting thing about vegan baking. A lot of products are already vegan and you just don’t realize it. Most boxed cake mixes need you to add eggs. If you read carefully, there’s no egg or milk product in them (exception: Angel Food cake, obviously). Cookie mixes are a different story, so you have to read each package carefully. And I read them every time, even if it’s something I’ve bought before because there’s always a chance that the “improved” product has something non-vegan added. If you don’t want to take the chance (or don’t feel like memorizing everything that might actually be hidden dairy products, or don’t want to make the trek to the Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s or other specialty store for cookie and cake mix that’s actually stamped “vegan”), go with the recipes in the books or on the Post Punk Kitchen website.

Most store-bought frostings are vegan. It’s cheaper for a company to mass-produce frosting with artificial everything than it is to use real butter, but read carefully, just in case. Or make your own and avoid the whole plastic icing thing.

If you’re OK with the store-bought stuff, there’s ways to get around the whole “egg thing”. Ener-G Egg Replacer is pretty popular. It’s also Kosher if that matters. I’ve used it a few times.

Lately, though, I’ve been using Milled Flax Seed because it adds some Omega-3 to the food which means it’s practically good for you. That’s not great for everything though, because even finely processed it still leaves little brown flecks. It looks great in corn muffins and is invisible in brownies, but for cupcakes and cookies you might want something a little more transparent. The trick with flax seed is to mix it with water and let it sit for about 10-15 minutes until it almost gels. I have a tendency to be impatient and not wait long enough and then the stuff comes out too dense or “under done”.

There’s also supposed to be a way to make egg replacers with vinegar or lemon juice and baking soda. I haven’t had good luck with that, but I might’ve been doing it wrong.

I’ve been using coconut milk in place of dairy milk. You can use soy or almond or rice, but you might need to adjust things a little depending on how thick it is (rice milk always seems really watery to me). Also, I’m allergic to almond AND soy-processed-as-dairy-product, so I don’t use them. I also don’t use tofu as an egg replacer for that reason (or bananas, because I’m allergic to those, too). I haven’t been brave enough to try apple sauce.

Butter? Earth Balance Vegan Buttery Sticks. The stuff in a tub is too watery and doesn’t work. This stuff? It’s like butter. They also make Shortening.

So there. There you go. More than you wanted to know about vegan baking, yet NOTHING AT ALL that might be useful! That’s just how I roll.

The partner-in-crime is a full-time college student. He’s in an honors English class and is actually having fun reading and discussing their current book. The first one of the semester, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, wasn’t a hit with him. I’m so glad he’s enjoying To Kill a Mockingbird because if he didn’t, we’d have to Have Words.

Anyhow, I got a little jealous. He’s learning things and reading things he wouldn’t normally pick up, having discussions, and kinda having fun. I’ve thought about joining a book club before, but was always hesitant because I wouldn’t know what I was getting into. Joining an already-established group is bad enough (especially when you’re the king of social anxiety, like I am). Joining one where the reading list might be Oprah’s Book Club or “Whatever’s on the Best Seller List This Week” would be terrible. The idea of having to read “50 Shades of Gray” even ironically doesn’t sit well with me.

Then I had the idea to actually look around at MeetUp.com. MeetUp has been around for years and I’ve probably looked at it before, but not being a social creature, I never really put much stock in it. If I wrote a children’s book it would be called “Meeting People Is Icky.”

But, dude, I’m 42. I can’t spend ALL my time sitting around the house, knitting and watching Law & Order marathons. For one thing, I’m tired of SVU and I just recently watched every single episode of Criminal Intent on Netflix not long ago. And, you know, going outside once in a while is probably healthy. At least it’ll serve as a reminder of why I don’t go places.

Anyhow, back to MeetUp. There’s a group called “b. more read.” Their list doesn’t sound like Oprah’s picks. I missed the second book, The Alienist by Caleb Carr. I love that book. So far this seems like my kinda group. The next book — for the meetup in April — is Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk, which is pretty much not going to be on your mother’s reading list. I might go to that one if I can get the book from the library. I don’t dislike Palahniuk, but I don’t exactly like him, either. I don’t like him enough to spend money on the book, basically.

The June book, on the other hand…. The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America by Erik Larson. Read it a few years ago and loved it. “My” copy (borrowed from my mom and never returned) is around here somewhere. Bonus? The meeting place for this one is across the street from my mom’s house. Hey, ma! Wanna come with?!

So I might do this. There seems to be some books I actually like on their list, and it’s clearly not “As Seen on The View”.

When I first met Cardiff, he looked like this:

These days he looks more like this:

Generally he’s more dignified than that.

Not really.

It was five years ago — February 16, 2008 — that the partner-in-crime and I drove down to Stafford Virginia to pick up the dog we were already in love with. He had no idea who we were, where we were going, what was going on, or why we kept calling him Cardiff.

So far we’ve lived through the whole puppy phase (housebreaking, leash training, chewing, terrier attitude, extreme energy), a sullen “teenage” phase (terrier attitude, Cardiff refusing to eat, Cardiff refusing to walk on a leash, extreme energy), a months-long battle with sarcoptic mange (warning: contains bug pictures), a recurring limp, the loss of three old cats, and the introduction of two new cats.

Groomers, vet visits, daycare, toys, baths, food… a fortune has gone into this dog so far. It’s been worth it. He’s a pretty fantastic dog and I wouldn’t trade him for any other dog in the world.

Except for maybe an Old English Sheepdog. But don’t tell Cardiff that.

Happy anniversary, Puppypants. Who’s a good boy? YOU are a good boy.

Last week, on Wednesday, I had an appointment with my doctor. The General Practitioner. The Gee Pee. I mentioned that my throat was sore and had been for a few days and I thought I might be getting a cold. He checked my throat, ears, sinus pressure, nose, and temperature and declared me healthy — short and fat, but without a cold.

Saturday morning I woke up without a voice. I haven’t felt ill at all during this whole thing. Just “scratchy throat”. Monday and Tuesday it was kind of painful, in a way, but there’s been nothing like coughing or sneezing or congestion. Instead I’ve just been through all the stages of hoarse: Kathleen Turner, Angie Harmon, Harvey Fierstein, Pepper Ann’s little sister Moose…. On Tuesday I had a meeting with my boss and it was weird. I (jokingly) apologized at the end for “yelling” because I was actually yelling just to make a sound above a whisper.

The whole thing has been weird. It’s like my voice decided it wanted to take a vacation. I don’t know why. It certainly didn’t need the break. I don’t speak a whole lot. There are some days when I can go from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM without saying anything. I’ve found you can get through pretty much anything with just a nod and a smile. When I lived alone I could get through several days in a row without having to speak out loud. I’m not the kind of person who needs to talk to the cats or the dog when no one else is around. I talk to myself all the time, but never out loud. I never sing along with music. My voice just decided it had something else to do. Something that didn’t involve me.

It’s finally getting better tonight. I still sound raspy, but more like me and less like Moose.