The Ninth Strange Day

Everyone Poops

It’s true. They’ve even written a book about it. Everyone (well, nearly everyone) does it. Even cute little bunnies and earthworms. It happens, and it falls under the heading of “better out than in”.

Yes, sometimes it’s smelly. But trust me. It’s like that for everyone who poos. Occasionally it will be smelly. It happens and you’re just going to have to learn to live with that fact.

Okay, sure, maybe a little spritz of an air freshener when you’re done is a nice little courtesy. A small way of saying “oh, the hazards of being a being that poos”. Wait? What did I just say? Repeat this with me boys and girls: a little spritz.

A little spritz is not

• five little spritzes
• one spritz that lasts for 30 seconds
• one spritz that lasts for 30 seconds, followed by a two second pause, and then another 30 second blast

Ten seconds. Ten is the maximum. Push the button and immediately stop pushing it. That’s all you need to do. Especially when you’re sitting in the stall at the time. How could you breathe? What about all that air freshener fallout on you? I don’t know who you were, but I bet I could find you based on the smell.

“What a lovely scent you’re wearing. Is that… *sniffing* Is that pine I detect”?

Honestly, it cannot be healthful to be breathing it in. There are warnings about huffing it right on the can. You’re not spraying it into a paper bag and then breathing it in, but you might as well be, considering I was two stalls down and it was making my eyes sting.

It’s so ineffective, anyhow. You just end up with a restroom that smells like poo and potpourri.

Tune in next week for “You Inconsiderate People On The Bus Who Wear Too Much Perfume”.

Source: CNN

Chavez accused Bush of having spoken “as if he owned the world” when the U.S. president addressed the world body on Tuesday.

“As the spokesman of imperialism, he came to share his nostrums to try to preserve the current pattern of domination, exploitation and pillage of the peoples of the world. An Alfred Hitchcock movie could use it as a scenario. I would even propose a title: ‘The Devil’s Recipe.’ “

I have so much respect for Chavez right now.

“I just want to make it abundantly clear to Hugo Chavez or any other president: Don’t come to the United States and think, because we have problems with our president, that any foreigner can come to our country and not think that Americans do not feel offended when you offend our chief of state,” Rangel said.

Although it’s perfectly acceptable for Americans to go into other countries and take over because you don’t like the way their government operates.

I watched the new CBS show “Smith” last night and I make no apologies about the fact that I watched it for two reasons.

• I love me a caper
• I really like me some Jonny Lee Miller

I’ll watch this show. This brings me up to a total of five shows I can’t miss.

And now the cut!

Read the rest of this entry »

Rewriting the Rules of Fiction from the Wall Street Journal.

Amateur authors writing tales about favorite characters are drawing big audiences and landing book deals. Meet Harry Potter’s grandparents.
By JOHN JURGENSEN
September 16, 2006

[...]

Fan fiction, stories by amateur writers about characters from their favorite books, movies and television shows, was once mainly a fringe pursuit. Now, it’s changing the world of fiction, as Internet exposure helps unknown authors find mainstream success. Some Web sites are attracting unprecedented numbers of readers and, in some cases, leading to book deals. They are also feeding the appetites of readers and viewers who can’t get enough of shows like “Lost” or “House.”

There’s a librarian in Rathdrum, Idaho, who spent 10 years posting her writings about a character from Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice” online; Simon & Schuster paid her a $150,000 advance to publish the works as a three-novel trilogy. In Brooklyn, N.Y., a free-lance copy editor has become one of the Web’s best-known “Lord of the Rings” and “Harry Potter” fan-fiction writers, and has landed a three-book publishing deal for a young-adult fantasy series. When a comic-book store manager in New Jersey decided to take his first stab at fan fiction this year, entering a contest sponsored by Showtime’s “The L Word,” he got the attention of a literary agent, who signed him last month. And Ms. Jones will soon have her first book published.

[...]

The rise of fan fiction is part of the spread of amateur-created content online, from viral videos to music playlists and blogs. Increasingly, audiences have become used to watching videos posted by other users on sites such as YouTube and MySpace. Reading fiction online is another extention of this trend.

Mine is here.

I spent weeks stomping around complaining that I couldn’t find rye flour. I had, I insisted, white and wheat, but no rye. How could I make rye bread without rye flour? Every store I went to… no rye! Finally I found some, and yesterday I made rye bread.

…with the rye flour I thought was wheat.

I checked it first. There was nothing in it and there were no signs of any fungus or anything.

But still… if I start to hallucinate (moreso than usual) or seem crazy (moreso than usual), please keep this in mind when calling the paramedics.

If you know me at all, know anything at all about me, or have at least glanced at my Fan Collectives (listed over there on the left, about halfway down) you could assume (and rightly so) that I’m a Trainspotting fan.

And so… I give to you… Trainspotting parodies. (Warning: language. All sorts of language. Most of it Scottish. Some of it foul. F-bomb is dropped a few times, so if you’re in a public library, at work, or there are small children around you might want to find headphones or watch them later.)

But first: the best scene in Trainspotting. That’s it? THAT’S your theory? Watch this first if you’ve never seen the film.

Toyspotting. Trainspotting as told by soft toys.

Brokeback Trainspotting. Mark and Simon as you’ve only imagined them.

If anyone knows of any others, please let me know! Leave a comment, send an email, write a postcard, etc.