9:00 AM - arrive at clinic for 9:30 appointment. Sit with mom in waiting room. Mock the “medical information” television in the waiting room. See story about dizziness in the elderly. Dizziness leads to falling which leads to breaking bones. “A leading reason many patients don’t mention dizziness to their doctors is pride” says man on tv. “So it’s true,” I says to mom. “Pride comes before a fall”. Mom informs me that I’m much funnier when I’m sick.

9:33 - Vitals are taken.

10:00 - ….

10:15 - See doctor. See doctor examine. Look, doctor! Look! See the icky badness! “Oh noes,” says the doctor. “We must get a throat culture”!

10:30 - Doctor goes to get tech to take culture. Returns and says culture will be done at The Lab. “Sit and wait for paperwork, plz” says doctor.

10:31 - Sit and wait.

10:45 - Continue to sit and wait.

11:00 - Get fed up. Ask what’s going on. “I need culture” I rasp! (inner voices says “you need new wardrobe as well. WTF iz up with teh pink sneakers?”)

11:05 - Drop off antibipiawearaodtics prescription. Go next door to lab.

11:07 - Lab scoffs. “We no do this here, silly person with pink sneakers! You must go to clinic!” “But clinic made me go here,” sobs I. “You call them and tell them to do their job. I’ll go there and whimper.”

11:08 - Consider sitting on floor and crying.

11:10 - Get culture. Wardrobe unchanged. Gagged and nearly spit up on poor tech. There There^TM.

11:15 - Get pudding (butterscotch) and coffee (Starbucks) in hospital cafeteria. Hospital has good food unless you’re a patient (have been patient there before; know this for a fact). Do not mention that while halfway through pudding, realise pudding looks like stuff-in-nose. Finish pudding anyhow.

12:00 Noon - Get prescription. $45 for five antibiotics. Consider sobbing.

After that - leave hospital. Go to supermarket. Buy more tissues, Gatoraide, and jello in cups. Also buy lemon sorbet (non dairy). Come home. Text Kitti. Take antibiotic. Drink gatoraide. Whimper loads.

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Further to mention:

• The YELLOW elevators go to urology.
• Every “code red” instructional sign in the hospital requests that you pull the “closet” fire alarm. I assume that they meant to say the closest fire alarm. Unless they really do have fire alarms that have not yet admitted to their friends and family that they are actually fire alarms.

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